Minerva McGonagall Murray, Doctorate in Napping

Therapy Dog in Training

Minerva is a therapy bulldog in training, which means she’s currently tolerating the emotional chaos of hoomans while pretending not to judge their questionable coping mechanisms. Unlike your therapist, Minerva won’t ask how that makes you feel—she already knows. She’s seen your browser history. She’s heard your nervous laughter. And she’s graciously agreed to let you pet her majestic floof until your anxiety melts into a puddle of nub-wagging relief. She’s basically the emotional support version of a weighted blanket, but with better eye contact and fewer boundary issues.

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While therapists are busy scribbling notes and nodding meaningfully, Minerva is doing the real work: absorbing your existential dread through her fur like a sponge made of unconditional love and mild disdain. She doesn’t care about your attachment style or your enneagram number—she just wants you to stop crying long enough to hand her a treat. So go ahead, bury your face in her neck fluff and whisper your secrets. She won’t tell a soul. Mostly because she’s a dog. But also because she’s already planning your emotional redemption arc, one belly rub at a time.